It is 3:55 a.m. on December 30, 2017. Sleep eludes me. Mostly in part to a stupid cold. I just took Tylenol and Alka-Seltzer Plus that claims to relieve every symptom I have. Here’s hoping.
This very week of the year has been a difficult one for me for about 18 years. It is for all of us a time of reflection on some level.
I think back to NYE’s of the past and I can smile. When my boys were little, our house was the one that siblings and friends dropped their kids for the night. Their dad and I were never big on going out, so for many years we just hunkered in and let the kiddos play. Before we had children we usually had company, watched the ball drop and were in bed by 12:30.
After my divorce, I have very few memories of NYE. A couple years I went to Shelly and Mark’s. It was fun but I hate driving home that late.
This year will be quiet. Jace is at his Grandma Beth’s for the weekend, the weather is rather brutal and I need to get well and take Christmas down. Not much happening here.
As I mentioned in a FB post, WFRN D Vincy Willamowski asked her radio audience what they were taking into 2018. First and foremost, I am taking COURAGE. I am certain I will slip up now and then, but that is #1. I am going to really really try to be unapologetically myself. At times,I keep thoughts and opinions to myself. I struggle with feeling like I am not heard so I hold back. Let’s face it, I also worry about what people will think. I am so envious of those that ooze confidence. I lack in that area.
I will also take into 2018 the art of being present. The last, again, 15-18 years I have been in survival mode. Busy working, studying, keeping a roof over our heads and never allowing myself to settle in. Our home is very unconventional and tension filled at times, but it works for us for now. I love our home. It is the first time in two decades that I feel home. A dream that vanished was raising my family in the same house for years and make memories within those walls.
I am resentful at times that I was unable to give the boys the life I had. I feel like I failed them in some way. I was so wrapped up in keeping things going that, in my mind, I was unable to build the home I desired. I worry that the memories I made were not happy ones. I couldn’t afford to take vacations. It was all I could do to make ends meet.
That being said, what I will leave in 2017 is regret. It serves no purpose.
Two more days of 2017. I will look at the young men I raised and stand proud. We made it on our own.
I will take hope with me. I will take a stronger faith in my Heavenly Father. I will reach out more. I will soak up the good that was in 2017 and leave the tangled mess of bones behind.
So tell me…..what will you take into 2018? What will you leave behind?
Blessings to you all,