Change within…..

We all start on the outside
The outside looking in
This is where grace begins
We were hungry, we were thirsty
With nothing left to give
Oh the shape that we were in
Just when all hope seemed lost
Love opened the door for us

–Sidewalk Prophets

54 years. That is how long it has taken. 54 years of trying to find my way.

The past two years I have withdrawn from all who are important to me. Isolated myself in these four walls of my bedroom. Neglected my health and my faith.

In the past two weeks there has been a stirring of sorts in the deep recesses of my soul. “You’re wasting days”, Spirit whispered one morning. Changes need to be made. Hard, heart splitting wide open changes.

Ask any of my children and they will tell you the movie I watched a gazillion times during the early years after my divorce was Hope Floats. It wasn’t the romance between Sandra Bullock and Harry Connick Jr. that appealed to me. It was the relationship between the mother played by Gena Rowlands and Birdee. Ramona says something to Birdee that has come to mind as of late. She says to her daughter who is floundering

“You think life goes on forever? You think behind every chance there’s another chance and another one and another one? It’s the worse kind of extravegance the way you spend your chances, Birdee“

I’m running out of chances and it is an extravegance of the worst kind.

Self care is #1 on my list. I need to walk through the door that love has opened. I need to accept His grace and mercy. I need to stop comparing myself and believe that He loves me flaws and all. My wounds will heal.

Once I believe I am enough, once the nightmares stop, once I walk through the door and take care of me I will be a better mother, grandmother, daughter, sister,auntie and friend.

I’m learning to let go of people I love and have loved. To recognize that their season in my life is over. Some I thought would never leave, ever. The grief washes over me when I least expect it. Then there are others that I believe I am too much for. That, however, is for another time.

I am taking big, brave steps. I am enough. I will find my peace I will walk through the door He opened with courage and confidence. Then and only then will I be the person He intended me to be.

Be a blessing,

M